#6. Abdullah al-Asiri and the Asshole Bomb
Air travellers could face even more intrusive security checks amid fears that Al Qaeda is planning a terror campaign using suicide bombers carrying explosives hidden in their bodies.
The body bomb threat was revealed after the tactic was used in an assassination attempt on a Saudi prince.
Although the bid failed, it has sent shockwaves through the world’s airline industry and US and French anti-terrorism experts are urging increased security to safeguard against future attacks.
Intelligence chiefs feared it was only a matter of time before terrorists would try the kind of methods used by drug mules to evade airport security.
The dilemma is that explosives inserted into body cavities like the stomach or rectum, or even implanted surgically, cannot be detected by regular airport checks.
But draconian and potentially costly measures such as full X-ray screening or a requirement for all passengers to hand in electronic equipment that could possibly be used as detonators would cause chaos and massive delays.The body bomb method was tested for the first time by 23-year-old Al Qaeda militant Abdullah Hassan al-Asiri, who got through several security checks with military grade plastic explosive in his rectum and detonated them during a meeting with the Saudi anti-terrorism chief, Prince Mohammed bin Nayef in August.
The prince only escaped serious injury because the terrorist’s body absorbed much of the impact of the blast and was ripped into seventy pieces.
The bomb is believed to have been triggered by a signal from a mobile phone text message.
The concern now is that a similar small explosion could be disastrous in the pressurised cabin of an airliner.
‘While not wanting to be alarmist, I admit this is alarming,’ said Richard Barrett, head of the United Nation’s Al Qaeda and Taliban monitoring group.
‘Even though its capability is reduced, it is clear that Al Qaeda remains determined enough and inventive enough to cause another terroriost spectacular,’ he said at the weekend.
‘Our aviation controls are equipped with metal detectors, but in the case of the Saudi suicide bomber only an X-ray control would have detected the explosive,’ a French official told Le Figaro newspaper.
But a French Interior Ministry official said X-raying every passenger would be unthinkable. ‘The health risks would be too high,’ he added.
Security experts are considering isolating the electronic trigger by risking the wrath of passengers and insisting they hand over mobile phones, iPods and other equipment for the duration of the flight.
Sebastian Mahe, an airport security expert with Brink’s France, said advances in miniaturisation were making it easier for terrorists to hide and detonate small bombs powerful enough to bring down an aircraft.
Saudi intelligence chiefs believe al-Asiri hid the explosive and an electronic detonator in a long, thin animal gut casing to protect it from body acid after he inserted it into his intestine. Al Qaeda claimed responsibility for the August 28 attempt and promised more surprise attacks in the ‘near future’.
In a video, released last month, al-Asiri, one of Saudi Arabia’s most wanted terror suspects, is seen showing off the 3in-long bomb.
He had travelled on the prince’s aircraft and spent 24 hours with his guards without being detected. He had been granted an audience at the prince’s palace because he supposedly wanted to repent.
#5. Oktai Enimehmedov Fails from Six Inches Away
You might have seen this utterly insane fucking video of a man rushing a politician on live TV and pointing a gun at his head, only to have absolutely nothing happen:
Well, the backstory is actually quite a bit more ridiculous than even that video would imply.
Chances are you have never heard of Ahmed Dogan, the chairman of the Bulgarian Movement For Rights and Freedoms Party. Chances are you will never see him on Cracked again. What's important is that on January 19, 2013, someone tried to kill him.
The would-be assassin was a petty criminal named Oktai Enimehmedov, and his problem was that he couldn't buy a real gun -- not every country is like America in that regard. So he substituted by buying something called a gas pistol. It's like a handgun, but fires pellets filled with tear gas instead of bullets. Literally the only way you could kill someone with it is if you shot them in the eye at point-blank range. So this meant he had to get close. Extremely close. Jump Dogan in a back alleyway? Nope. Attack him as he answered his front door? Not a chance. Instead, he chose to run up on stage while Dogan was giving a speech to a large audience on live television. And it fucking worked.
He got past everyone. He ran right up, stuck the gun right in Dogan's face, literally inches from his eyeball, pulled the trigger, and then ...
#4. Michael Stone Shops at the Same Store as Wile E. Coyote
AFP/Getty Images
This is probably the best idiot award that Loyalist Wonders is ever going to hand out and with Michael Stones stupid stunt at Stormont yesterday this one is well deserved.
Michael Stone finally flipped his lid yesterday when he stormed the Northern Irish political parliament, Stormont. Armed with a Gun and a number of explosive devices the heavy fat man didn’t make it too far into the building after being wrestled by unarmed guards, some proof that Fat Michael is no longer the man he used to be as he sweated like a fat greedy pig trying to get through the doors.Fats was previously sentenced to over 800 years in jail for previous murders in Northern Ireland but was released early under the pathetic terms of the Good Friday Agreement. Thankfully, the stupid idiot was charged was attempted murder of Gerry Adams & Martin Mc Guinness so its likely he will be locked up until he kicks the bucket, dam pity this country doesn’t have the death penalty!
There have been various speculations on why Michael Stone pulled the stupid stunt at Stormont with some believing he was simply looking for publicity. My belief is that Michaels Stones life outside of prison was that of a lonely sad man who spent his days picking up benefits, eating burgers and living in fear from being murdered by a Republican hit squad. He probably decided that he was safer inside prison where his other idiot friends are locked up and he didn’t have to walk far for his next meal so he pulled this stunt for a free ticket to get back inside.
So congratulations to Michael Stone on winning this idiot of the year award, his children and grandchildren would be proud of being related to such an idiot!
#3. Saeid Moradi and Friends Attack ... Themselves
Apichart Weerawong/AP Photo via ABC NewsIn February 2012, the Iranian government dispatched teams of assassins to kill Israeli diplomats in several countries, to varying degrees of failure:
-- The team in Azerbaijan was caught before they staged their attack.
-- In Georgia, their bomb was defused safely.
-- In India, the bomb exploded but didn't kill anyone.
Mindklongdan/iStock/Getty ImagesSome nearby pigeons were almost startled, though.
But then there was the team in Thailand, who set new records for secret agent failure. It all started when some minor mistakes were made while building their bomb, which is really the kind of project that doesn't leave much margin for error. The bomb blew up inside their own safe house, and the three members of the team stumbled out into the street bloody, dazed, and trying to get as far away as possible before the cops showed up. One of them, Saeid Moradi, grabbed two hand grenades on his way out the door.
Moradi tried to flag down a taxi. The driver didn't stop, probably because he was being hailed by a man covered in blood and holding two grenades. So he threw one of his grenades at the fleeing cab, as if that was going to make it stop and pick him up. He missed. The explosion, however, alerted every cop in the area as to where he was.
Stephen Morton/Getty Images News/Getty ImagesHe was too far from his secret hiding spot full of tracer rounds.
As the police closed in, he threw his second grenade at them. It bounced off a tree, rolled back to his feet, and exploded, blowing off both his legs.
The other two guys were caught later. All of them got some lengthy prison sentences for the crime of accidentally blowing themselves up several times in one day.
Long War Journal"This was all part of my design to intentionally get captured, like in Skyfall! Here, hook up this laptop."
#2. German SS Commandos Hatch a Foolproof Plan
We've already covered how SS Lieutenant Colonel Otto Skorzeny was one of history's greatest supervillains. What we haven't talked about was how, during the Battle of the Bulge, he led a 600-man commando unit whose mission was to sneak behind Allied lines, dressed in American uniforms and driving captured American Jeeps. Once they blended in as American troops, they were supposed to blow stuff up, give soldiers wrong directions, and eventually make their way to Paris, attack General Dwight D. Eisenhower's headquarters, and take him dead or alive.
Here was the first problem: only 10 of those 600 men could speak fluent English. They were supposed to do all the talking. The Nazi high command told the other 590 that if an American talked to them, they were to pull down their pants and run off into the woods pretending to have explosive diarrhea. That is not a joke. That was their actual plan.
German Federal ArchiveAdolf Hitler: Master of Espionage.
The Germans also made bad attempts at learning American slang: One man was sharing a cup of coffee with an American soldier and handed him the last dregs of a cup to finish while saying "up your bottom" instead of "bottoms up." Another shouted at an American soldier to "keep your pecker up" while peeing.
Most of the captured commandos were executed as spies, since by fighting in enemy uniforms, they were not considered prisoners of war. Others were shot by their own side, because German fighter planes couldn't tell the difference between Americans riding in an American Jeep and Germans dressed as Americans riding in an American Jeep.
US Army"Wait, I suddenly see the flaw in our plan!"
The remainder tried to launch an attack to rescue the guys trapped behind enemy lines, and charged straight into the Norwegian Battalion. Yep, after trying for who knows how long to get these schmucks to speak proper English, they just happened to fight the only Allied soldiers in the entire region that couldn't speak English. Word has it that the SS men charged yelling "Surrender or die!" The Norwegians looked at them funny before mowing them down with machine guns.
The operation ended with nothing infiltrated, most of the men dead, and Eisenhower completely safe.
#1. Saddam Hussein and the Circular Firing Squad
Karim Sahib/AFP/Getty ImagesWay back before Saddam Hussein became President of Iraq, he worked a part-time gig as a hitman for the Ba'ath Party, which he would later control. In October 1959, he was sent with six others to kill General Abd al-Karim Qasim, the then-dictator of Iraq. Their "plan," if you can call it that, was to jump out into the middle of the road in front of and on both sides of Qasim's car and shoot it up. If you don't immediately see what is wrong with this, let us draw you an illustration:
Chris JenningsIn real life, unlike the movies, bullets that miss don't just evaporate in mid-air.
As planned, the seven assassins jumped out at Qasim's car as it drove down the street. Two of their guns immediately jammed. The other five started shooting wildly at anything that moved. Saddam was supposed to shoot Qasim's bodyguards while the others shot Qasim, but instead he started shooting at Qasim, too. Another of the assassins accidentally killed one of his own men standing on the other side of the car. The fourth one hit Saddam in the leg. The fifth guy had a grenade, and was about to throw it when Qasim drew a pistol on him. He dropped it and ran away.
Qasim sat there while the assassins sprayed bullets everywhere like Imperial Stormtroopers. They shot his car 43 times and a random taxi that pulled up 20 times because hey, why not. This hurricane of gunfire left Qasim's driver dead and Qasim and two other men slightly wounded.
After killing as many of their own men as they killed of the enemy, the assassins scattered. In order to make himself not look like an idiot, Saddam later wrote a book (which was made into a movie) that depicted him digging the bullet out of his own leg using nothing but a razor blade and sheer manliness, then swimming the Tigris River to escape before riding a horse all the way to Syria. In reality, he went to the doctor. Then he went home.
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